


Relapse

by KangSeulgisOfficialSimp



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, I’m sorry for putting you through this Jaemin, Lee Taeyong is a Good Friend, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, The dreamies just want Jaemin to get better, this is just a vent fic, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:01:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KangSeulgisOfficialSimp/pseuds/KangSeulgisOfficialSimp
Summary: Jaemin started hurting himself again. The rest of the dreamies find out and try to talk to him about it.TW: Self-HarmA/N: This is kinda just a vent fic soooo yeah :)
Kudos: 36





	Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!

“Jaemin, can you come here? We need to talk to you about something.” Jeno yelled from the living room.

Jaemin’s heart dropped. He knew this was coming, so why is he so surprised? He slowly gets out of bed. His heart racing as he walks out of his bedroom and into the living room. He sits down on an empty chair, resting his hands in his lap while the others all stare at him. Jaemin doesn’t stare back, instead he just stares straight ahead at the TV which was turned off. He couldn’t look back at them. If he did, he would break down crying.

Jaemin knows what they want to talk to him about. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, but he has to. He recently started cutting himself again, and the others found out. He didn’t mean for them to. He didn’t want them to. He tried so hard to keep it a secret, but the truth always comes out. 

They found out by finding a blade in his room that was wrapped in a bloody cloth. Jaemin knows they found it because when he looked for it earlier, it wasn’t in the middle drawer of his desk like he put it. He even had a lock for that drawer, but he must have forgotten to lock it.

That’s not the only way they found out. They were already suspecting that something was up because he’s been wearing long sleeves and hoodies a lot despite the hot weather. His friends have noticed the smaller things too. Like how the look in his eyes has changed, and how he constantly pulls down his long sleeves, and even all the fake smiles. Jaemin has done all he could to make sure nothing seems off, but his friends know him too well and can’t be fooled by him.

His friends wish that they would have noticed sooner though. Sooner before he started hurting himself again. They wish he would have come to talk to one of them instead of cutting himself. They can’t stand knowing the fact that their best friend is struggling and turned to dangerous and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Chenle, Jisung, Jeno, Renjun, Donghyuck, and Mark all look at each other before looking back at Jaemin.

“Jaemin?” Renjun says with worry in his voice.

“Yes?” Jaemin’s voice sounds hoarse. He doesn’t break his stare.

“Have you been hurting yourself again?”

Jaemin wishes he could lie. Well, he could, but there’s no use. There’s no way he’s getting out of this.

“Maybe.” He still hasn’t broken his stare.

“Hyung, just admit it.” Chenle says with a little frustration in his voice. Though, he isn't actually frustrated, he’s just really worried.

“Yes, I have. Can I go now?” Jaemin asks calmly. Still hasn’t broken his stare.

“No.” Mark says sternly.

“Could you maybe tell us why?” Jeno asks.

Jaemin stayed silent. He doesn’t want to talk about this. They wouldn’t understand.

“We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s wrong.” Donghyuck explains.

Jaemin still sits there silently. His stare still hasn’t been broken.

“Hyung, please talk to us.” Jisung says nervously.

Jaemin’s stare is finally broken. He glances at Jisung, whose eyes are filled with tears, and then looks down at the ground. He starts playing with his hands. Jaemin didn’t want to make eye contact with anyone, but he didn’t want to make eye contact with Jisung the most. Out of all of them, Jisung was the most scared. All of them were terrified, but Jisung was a little more scared than everyone else. Jisung is the youngest of them, so it’s not hard to understand why he would be the most scared in this sort of situation. Jaemin practically raised Jisung through his teenage years. Jisung looks up to Jaemin, though he might not show it, he really does. 

Jaemin remembers the first time they found out. He remembers the look in Jisungs eyes. He was really worried. They all were. For weeks, Jisung always made sure to show Jaemin how much he appreciated and loved him. He would stay by his side and stick up for him. He would even watch Jaemins favorite movies and TV shows with him even if he didn’t like them or just didn’t understand the plot. Jisung would always check up on him and make sure he’s doing okay, and if he seemed even just a little sad, he would do all he could to cheer him up. They were all terrified the first time they found out. Jaemin didn’t want to see anyone that scared again, but he was.

“Can I just go back to my room? Please?” Jaemin asks.

“No.” Chenle says sternly.

“Jaemin, we want to help. Please tell us what’s wrong.” Mark begs.

“I don’t want help!” Jaemin yells. “I don’t want to get better, goddammit!” He looks up at everyone.

“Jaemin, we’re not just gonna sit here and let you hurt yourself! What you’re doing is so fucking dangerous.” Jeno yells back.

“I don't care!”

“Jaemin!” Jeno starts. “Do you have any clue what you're even doing to yourself? Do you understand how dangerous what you’re doing is? Do you understand that it’s not only affecting you, but it’s also affecting everyone around you? Do you understand that your life is on the line? One cut too deep and you're dead. It’s over.” 

“Does it look like I care? I’ve wanted to die for a long time now. I would be glad to finally get it over with.”

“That’s not you. That’s not Jaemin. That’s the demon in your head talking.”

“How would you know what’s me and what’s not? How can you know me when I don’t even know myself?”

“Hyung, please just let us help you.” Chenle begs.

“I don’t need help! I’m fine! Just leave me the fuck alone!” Jaemin stands up and starts walking away but Jeno grabs his wrist to stop him. The wrist he grabbed was filled with fresh cuts under the sleeve, so Jaemin hissed in pain and pulled his arm away. He held his wrist, waiting for the stinging to go away.

“Oh my god, Jaemin I’m so sorry!” Jeno says as he rests his hand on Jaemins shoulder and lightly holds Jaemins injured wrist with the other.

“Just leave me alone!” This time, Jaemin is able to get away. He rushes to his room, slams the door shut, and locks the door.

Jaemin frantically walks around his room while pulling on his hair. He wants to hurt himself right now. He walks over to his desk and looks through the drawers for a pair of scissors, a pencil sharpener, or literally just anything he could use to slit his wrists with. But, he can’t find anything. He then looks all around his room for something he could use, but there’s nothing. He leans against his bedroom door and slowly slides down it as he starts crying again.

—

“What do we do?” Renjun asks, while burying his face in his hands.

“I feel hopeless. He’s not budging as easily as he did last time.” Donghyuck says.

They all sit in the living room quietly, thinking of ways they could help they’re friend.

“We raided his room and took all the sharp things out of there, so that should stop him from doing anything too harmful for a bit.” Mark says.

—

About an hour later, Jaemin is just sitting on his bedroom floor, emotionless. He was so deep into his thoughts and got startled when he heard a knock on his bedroom door. He didn’t answer it though.

“Jaemin. Please answer us. We just want to help. If you don’t let us try to help you, we’ll have no choice but to tell Taeyong hyung.” Renjun explains.

“I don't care. Go ahead and tell him. It doesn’t matter. I’m a lost cause, when will you realize that. I’ll never get better.”

Jaemin didn’t want Taeyong to find out the first time his friends found out about it. They were going to tell Taeyong, but Jaemin begged them not to. They agreed not to tell him if Jaemin got better. He did get better for a while, but obviously it didn’t last.

—

Everyone sighs as they slowly walk back to the living room.

“Are we actually gonna tell Taeyong hyung?” Jisung asks.

“I feel like we should. I mean, he’s not listening to us, and he’ll probably listen to Taeyong hyung.” Renjun explains.

“Should we call him and ask to come over now?” Donghyuck asks.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll call him.” Mark volunteers.

Mark pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts until he gets to Taeyong's name. He taps on it and then taps the call button. After a few rings, Taeyong picks up.

  
  


**_“Hello?”_ **

“Hey, hyung.”

**_“What’s up?”_ **

“We need you to come over to the Dream dorms. It’s important.”

**_“What happened?”_ **

“We’ll explain when you get here.”

“ **_Okay, I’ll be there in about 10 minutes.”_ **

“Okay.”

**_“Bye.”_ **

“Bye.”

Mark hangs up and then looks back at everyone. He explains that Taeyong will be there soon and they all just sit down and wait.

—

10 minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. They all jump up and rush to the door to open it. When they did, there stood Taeyong, who looked very concerned. They let him inside and go to the living room.

“Okay, so what’s up?” Taeyong asked.

“It’s about Jaemin…” Donghyuck says.

“What about Jaemin?”

“He’s been… He’s been cutting himself.” Jeno explains.

Taeyong just sits there in shock. He wasn’t expecting this. 

“Where is he?”

“In his room.” Jeno answers.

“Stay here. I’ll go talk to him.”

Taeyong stands up and makes his way down the hall to Jaemins room, which is the last door on the right. He sighs before lightly knocking on the door.

“Jaemin? Can I come in? I need to talk to you.”

—

Jaemin freezes. He said he didn’t care if they told Taeyong, but now he does. Taeyong is the leader of a 23 member group. He already is stressed out enough, he doesn’t need this stressing him out even more.

_ “Jaemin? Please open the door.”  _ Taeyong begs from the other side of the bedroom door that's separating them two.

Jaemin slowly stands up and opens the door. In front of him stood a worried Taeyong. 

Taeyong walked in and closed the door behind him. He leads Jaemin over to the bed and they both sit down facing each other.

“How have you been?” Taeyong asks.

Jaemin doesn’t respond.

“Jaemin, we need to talk about something…”

“Do we have to?”

“Yes, I need to know exactly what’s going on.”

Jaemin looks down at his hands as he starts playing with them.

“I’m sorry, hyung.”

“No, no, no. Don’t be sorry.” Taeyong says as he puts a comforting hand on Jaemins shoulder.

“What did they tell you?” Jaemin asks while looking back up at Taeyong.

“Not much. They just said that you’ve been hurting yourself.”

Jaemin looks back down at his hands.

“When did you start?”

“2 years ago.”

“Why did you start?”

“I like seeing myself bleed.”

“Why?”

“I deserve it.”

“Why do you feel like you deserve it?”

“Because I’m a terrible person, I can’t do anything right, I’m worthless, I’m a failure, and I just don’t deserve to be happy. I’m stupid, ugly, and undeserving of love. I don’t even think anyone loves me. I mean, why would they? You know, I ask myself everyday ‘if I die today, would anyone care?’ and I’ve come to the conclusion that no, no one would care. I bet everyone just wants me to go away. Everyday I constantly have the urge to just run away somewhere where no one can find me.”

At this point, Jaemin was crying. Taeyong pulled him into a tight and comforting hug. 

“It’s okay.” Taeyong whispered over and over again.

After Jaemin calmed down, they both pulled away from the hug. 

“Jaemin, you need to stop hurting yourself. There are much more safer ways to deal with stress and negative emotions than self harm.”

“I don’t want to get better.”

“But you need to. It’s really dangerous and we don’t know what we’ll do if we were to lose you. We love and care about you so much. You’re amazing at everything you do and you deserve all the happiness and love the world has.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. You’re worth more than the demons in your head make you think.”

Jaemin doesn’t say anything.

“Jaemin, could you please promise to get better.”

Jaemin thinks for a moment. He doesn’t want to get better, but he hates seeing everyone worried about him like this. Besides, if he doesn’t get better now, then there’s a chance that NCTzens will find out. He doesn’t want his fans worrying about him. He doesn’t want them thinking poorly of him. He doesn’t want them to know that he’s not as strong or happy as he shows. Maybe he should get better.

“Fine. I’ll try to get better, but you guys need to help me. I can’t do it by myself.”

“Of course we’ll help you.”

“This is gonna be hard. How do I cope with the urges?”

“Well, you said that you like to see yourself bleed, so maybe try drawing on yourself with a red marker or pen. You could also try snapping a rubber band on your wrist and write down your feelings in a journal.”

“What if I fail?”

“What do you mean?”

“What If I end up relapsing after a while?”

“I think that if you relapse, it doesn’t matter that you did it, but it more so matters how you pick yourself up afterwards.”

“I’m scared.”

“And that’s completely okay.”

Recovery was going to be hard. It’s a long and stressful journey that’s very unpredictable. Jaemin might stumble a few times, but that’s normal and completely okay. Nothing else matters as long as he’s trying his best.

**Author's Note:**

> :)


End file.
